Holdin' On and Letting Go
by IAmThePoisonedYouth
Summary: Bucky/Sam/Steve polyamorous angst. Bucky is having trouble with his memories of being the Winter Soldier.
Once in awhile in most people's lives, something comes along and tears everything apart, usually something that is as human and mundane as a divorce, or a death, but for Bucky Barnes, it had been a loss of identity, becoming something he wasn't.

A crash of thunder roared through the dimly lit apartment where Bucky resode with both of his lovers, all three of their figures cuddled together on the bed, Bucky's head resting on Steve's chest whilst Sam's arm was stretched around his waist.

As soon as the thunder crashed, Bucky's eyes flew open and he shot up with a ragged gasp, the room shrinking around him. Instinctively, Steve woke up also, resting a hand on Bucky's flesh arm whilst Sam moaned beside them, kicking sullenly at the sheets.

"S-St…" Bucky tried to talk, but the overwhelming wave of fear made him choke up, and suddenly, he found it hard to breathe, grasping hard at Steve's collar as everything grew even more terrifying.

Sam roused beside them finally, and immediately jumped into action, brushing Bucky's dark hair out of his eyes and soothingly whispering, "Come back to us, Buck. Me and Steve."

Both of the other men knew exactly what to do to bring Bucky down from one of his attacks, or how to calm him - they had done it so many times since they had found Bucky wandering the streets of Brooklyn, unsure of what had brought him back except for the faint ghost of a memory of a small, skinny boy who's lips tasted were soft and kind, paralleling his forever forgiving heart.

It didn't take long for the memories to return to Bucky after that, each one tearing him apart as he remembered hurting Steve, the man he loved.

After coming to live with Steve par his request, Bucky had found himself having feelings for Steve's funny, yet sometimes teasing friend who came around to check on the two of them. When he brought up the feelings, he was surprised to find that the two other men felt the same, and that was how their relationship began. With hushed conversations and fierce lovemaking, and it made Bucky slightly glad he wasn't in the 1940s anymore.

Having two lovers would've been bad enough, but two men?

But he simply couldn't stop, loving these two was simply addictive, burning him up and then bringing him back to life over and over again.

" _Bucky?"_ Steve asked, his voice gentle as he cupped Bucky's cheek, stroking his thumb along the skin.

Finally, the glaze of fear seemed to fade from Bucky's eyes, and he whimpered, "S-Steve?" he looked to his side, "Sam." he pulled away from their grips then rested his head in his hands, sighing in frustration and exhaustion, "It happened again, _didn't it?"_

"Buck…" Steve huffed, "It isn't your fault."

Sam agreed, slipping a hand around Bucky's shoulder, "Yeah, man. What Hydra did to you… what they made you do-"

" _That's beyond the point, Sam!"_ Bucky snapped, pulling away from his boyfriend, then instantly regretting raising his voice, "I-I'm sorry. I-I just-"

Sam held up his hands, "Hey, it's okay. I get it."

"I think I'll just… just go for a shower." Bucky sighed.

Steve piped up, "Want a hand?" with no extra context at all, which made Sam smile slyly.

"No." Bucky managed a breathy laugh, then leant over, pressing his lips to Steve's, making a show of it to tease Sam, his hand fisting in Steve's shirt again.

When he pulled away, Sam remarked, "You sneaky bastard." before surging up into an equally passionate kiss with the former Winter Soldier, feeling his lover smirk against his lips.

When Bucky backed away from the kiss, he was fully smiling as he snarked, "Don't you two get up to any funny business whilst I'm gone."

"No promises." Sam retorted, leaning into Steve and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Bucky left the room swiftly, heading to the showers. When he was sure that he and Sam's boyfriend was gone, Steve allowed himself to frown.

"He's not getting any better." he stated bitterly.

Sam rested his head on Steve's shoulder, "Give him time, Steve."

"I'm just worried he'll hurt himself again." Steve confessed, the horrifying memory of a time when Bucky had stabbed himself in the stomach because of the unbearable pit of guilt flashing around him.

He could vividly remember Bucky's blood over his hands as the brunette tearfully begged him to ' _Please, just let me die, Steve. Like I was meant to',_ and could remember himself screaming for help whilst Sam was actually retrieving it, leaving him feeling so helpless.

Sam's hand brushing his cheek brought him out of his daydream, "Steve. I won't let that happen. Bucky may be an annoying bastard at times but I do love him."

"Yeah." Steve nodded.

Sam laughed, "Oh, come here, you miserable ass." then pulled him down for a passionate kiss.

Meanwhile, Bucky stood in the shower, his clothes in a neat pile on the floor. He rested his forehead against his metal arm, feeling the tears well in his eyes as rivulets of hot water traveled down his bare back, the sensation rather soothing as it reminded him he was alive in the way that Sam and Steve's kisses would, bringing back that tiny part of him that still yearned to be alive.

He shakily inhaled, knowing he would have to be brave and strong for his boyfriends no matter what.

The next day, and Steve had managed to convince Bucky into coming to the Avengers tower to have breakfast instead of spending most of his day locked up in their room. Sam accompanied, knowing that Bucky would need his support also if he were to face all of the Avengers.

Both of his boyfriends grabbed his hand, Steve the metal one in case he accidentally hurt Sam, and they greeted the others with court nods.

" _So…"_ Pietro Maximoff's voice rung through the room as he blurred in, grabbing a box of cereal as he did so, "You are the boyfriend Cap and Birdbrain have been talking about." he dug his hand into the box and frowned, "Damn, somebody already took the little truck thing."

Wanda, his twin, rolled her eyes as she walked over to him, "Do not be such a baby, Pietro. I gave truck to Clint's little boy."

"The little brat he named after me before he and Laura split?" Pietro pouted, "The child seems to hate me."

Natasha snarked, " _I wonder why."_ then approached the triad with a gentle smile on her face, asking the nervous Bucky, "How are you doing? Settling in?"

"Y-Yeah." he nodded, "I mean, things have been rather… troublesome. I just- I can't…"

Natasha nodded, resting a hand on his shoulder, "I understand. It's difficult to get back into society now that you've spent so long under their control."

"Yeah." Bucky smiled, and gave a look to Steve and Sam before finding the confidence to drop their hands, "Luckily, I haven't been alone."

Natasha said, "Good. You're lucky to have them."

"Well, at least you aren't like Wanda who's been eyeing up the local android." Pietro teased, earning a telekinetic shove to the shoulder.

Wanda hissed at him, "Vis is… different. He saved my life."

"I remember." he rolled his eyes, "Vividly. Being shot several times wasn't fun."

Clint gave a faint laugh from the sofa, "We certainly didn't see your ass coming back to life coming. But I tell ya, pleasant surprise."

"You bet." Pietro's voice took on a slightly sultry tone, and Bucky pondered on the double meaning of the Sokovian's statement before moving on.

Sam's hand brushed his hair out of his face, "You hungry, baby?"

"Nah." Bucky replied, "I'm fine."

Steve insisted, "You have to eat, Buck."

"I'll have something later." Bucky brushed off the hunger growing in his stomach, knowing that he most likely wouldn't be able to keep it down.

Steve knew he couldn't pressure Bucky because he was fragile, so asked his friends, "Where's Tony?"

"Moping." Pietro replied, "His latest mad invention didn't work. It kind of, literally blew up in his face." he made his way over to the couch and sat beside Clint, pulling his knees up to his chest before stating, "Which had _nothing_ to do with me, before you ask."

Sam rolled his eyes, " _Kids."_

"You're still younger than us." Steve playfully stated, bopping Sam's nose, "Kiddo."

Sam scoffed, "Ass."

"Is that the best insult you have?" Pietro quipped, " _Americans._ I have got jibes that would knock you on your ass."

Steve noticed that Bucky was growing more and more distant from the conversation, his eyes fixated on a knife block as his attention was derived.

"You okay?" he asked, shocking Bucky out of his daze to the point where he shrieked.

He backed away from Steve, walking into the wall as memories flooded his head, and all of a sudden, he couldn't control his body as he rushed forward to pull a knife from the block, muttering under his breath in Russian.

" _Bucky!"_ Sam gasped, stepping forward only to be sliced across the arm with the knife.

Pietro sped into the kitchen and pinned Bucky's hands down, only to be slightly surprised by the amount of strength radiating from his metal arm which was able to push the speedster back into the cupboards. Natasha attempted to take Bucky down whilst Wanda and Clint helped up Pietro.

Natasha threw a punch at Bucky, ignoring Steve and Sam's protests, only to have her fist encased in his metal one, the rough edges painfully digging into her skin. He switched up the move to pin her down, his flesh hand holding her shoulder whilst his metal fingers dug into her throat, constricting her.

" _Bucky, stop!"_ Steve pleaded, grasping his lover's shoulder whilst Sam rubbed his back soothingly, "You're hurting her, now calm down."

Steve panicked when he saw a glassiness ghost over Natasha's eyes and was starting to worry he was too late, but then noticed Bucky's grip relent as he stepped away, leaving Natasha coughing as she attempted to regain her breath.

Realising what he had done, a look of horror formed over Bucky's face as he stuttered, " _I-I didn't mean to."_

Sadly, it was too late, and Clint had retrieved his bow and quiver from behind the sofa, pushing Bucky back against the kitchen counter as he drew back an arrow aimed directly at Bucky's face.

"Clint…" Steve began, resting a hand on Clint's arm, "Stop. He didn't mean to."

Clint growled, "Yeah well, he still did! He could've killed Nat!"

"Clint, stop it!" Pietro shouted, then his voice grew smaller as he finished, " _Please."_

Clint flinched at the faintest glimmer of fear in Pietro's voice and lowered his weapon, looking down at the traumatised Bucky. Wanda was frantically helping Natasha, not wanting to lose her only female friend, the only person she could really have a great friendship with other than Pietro.

"You okay?" she asked, offering the redhead her hand.

Natasha nodded, taking it as she cleared her aching throat, "I will be." she looked at Bucky, who was straightening his posture, but visibly trembling, "What about him?"

"We'll take him home." Sam said, then tentatively reached for Bucky's waist, watching his movements to try to not startle him.

When Bucky accepted his touch, he exhaled in relief. Steve pressed his lips to Bucky's forehead, then nodded at Sam before the two began to lead him out to the car.

"So those three… how do they work?" Pietro asked once they had left.

Wanda rolled her eyes, "Like a normal couple, brother. Only with three people."

"One of them a psychopathic murderer." Clint stated coldly.

Natasha croaked, "He's got PTSD, you've gotta give him a chance."

"I did." he saw Pietro's look of disdain and sighed, "Fine. I'll give him another."

Pietro gave a small smirk as he sauntered over to Clint, resting his head on his shoulder, "I have you wrapped around my little finger."

As they entered the apartment, Bucky immediately went to sit on the bed, his head bowed as if he was expecting a berating, or to be punished in some other way.

Sam knelt in front of him, the Captain joining him after putting away his shield. Steve reached out and cupped Bucky's cheek but drew back his hand when he flinched, as if he expected him to strike him.

"I'm sorry." Bucky babbled, "I didn't mean to… I-I just-"

Sam finished his sentence, taking his flesh hand and tracing a pattern onto his palm with his thumb, which seemed to soothe him slightly, "We know. We understand. You had a moment. It's okay."

Bucky closed his eyes, sighing, a tear rolling down his cheek, "I could've killed Natalia."

"Don't worry." Steve assured, "Nat knows what it's like to not be in control. You're not in trouble."

When Bucky's eyes opened, he allowed the tears to fall as he whimpered, " _I didn't mean to."_

"We know." Sam and Steve said in unison before Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky's forehead, then to Sam's, giving him an encouraging smile.

Steve turned his attention back to Bucky, "You look tired, you wanna go back to bed?"

"Mm…" Bucky nodded.

Both of his boyfriends helped Bucky dress into more comfortable clothing before helping him into bed, where he nestled between them, allowing their warmth to melt his once ice-cold heart.

The tears were still rolling down his cheeks, but with less ferocity as the lull of sleep quelled his thoughts.

He mumbled drowsily, "Love you both." before nodding off, his head against Steve's chest again.

Sam gave a small smile to Steve before leaning over and pecking his lips, then the top of Bucky's head, "He looks so peaceful."

"Like nothing ever happened." Steve added, "I wish it was that way, though."

Sam huffed, "He'll be alright. One day. I'm optimistic about that."

"Hey. I'm the optimist usually." Steve pouted, keeping his voice hushed.

Sam smiled affectionately, "It's what I love about you. Now, lets get some shuteye, Rogers. I'm exhausted already."

"Good ni- Sleep well, Sam." Steve said, "Love you."


End file.
